English
TürkçeA liqueur, a queen and a travel
What is it that pulls a man in many directions all at once… but which at the same time… also holds a man together? The answer is “his soul” according to uncanny x-men #350.
Later today, I was waiting a bus to the neighborhood I live. Minutes past and didn’t come any. I wasn’t going to anywhere. It was night and slightly cold. Suddenly I gave up waiting and started to walk on the street. A good exercise for body, a bad idea for a cold night.
After a short walk, my imagination started to encircle my mind. The more get captured, the more I estranged to myself. Streets turned into an empty movie frame to me, frozen and motionless. I wasn’t aware of anything for the moment and my heartbeat was slower than usual. That calmness wasn’t unfamiliar yet.
My elementary teachers were always complaining about me. I was watching walls during the lesson. In time, it leveled up and now I started to feel like I am chasing myself from outside of my body. Thenceforth I started to call it “spectator syndrome”. It made my life harder. I can’t concentrate on things which is a part of daily routine. I didn’t participate. I just watched the happenings and regret from things I’ve watched with the effect of perfectionism.
Lately, it grew and turned out self-hatred. But this time it didn’t happen, first time I felt so peaceful instead. At the road from a silent bus stop, while walking under a moonlit sky. I realized I was wrong with my assumption. That wasn’t just a regret which was born with me, and growing with me. This spectator thing, allows you to consider who and where you are. And if you’re not satisfied with your life, it starts to consuming you. Consuming to death. Pulls a man is many directions all at once.
I really worked hard to set up a new life after my army days. I couldn’t go on holiday, even I couldn’t make friends or recover my relations with old ones. I found a job. I lost friends. I bought a new computer. I fought with my parents. I moved in a new house. I put on weight. It wasn’t insatiability. I wasn’t trying to own things. I just want to invest in myself. And now I’m beginning to a new era by founding a new company with my ex-boss.
I am drinking baileys “the only cream which can invert my mood” which remained at the fridge. I am listening lyrics “mama, ooh, I don’t want to die, sometimes wish I’d never been born at all” from queen which is referring my legacy oblivion. And I can come back to my home after a dinner. It holds me together.
Finally I found, the answer is “a liqueur, a queen and a travel”.
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